loose end: help, please:
Ok people, things are bad. I'm in low spirits. And alone and hungry and everything's falling apart.
Though money is the least of my worries. I'm finding it really hard to live in Dublin, I've not really got anyone around who's a good good friend. I'm lonely in that sense. I'm not working and even at that I'm not working on things I want to work on, like writing. I'm just having trouble connetcing now to where I want to be someday.

I was outside having a smoke just then. I'd pyt From The Choirgirl Hotel in my cd player and I went out and it's pouring down from the sky. And I nearly cried. Because rain is the only thing that comforts me. Rain, heavy rain. It's been so long time sice I saw a storm. I'm praying for a big storm. I miss the darkness. I miss the hard weather. It was torrential the night I was born. I was born in a rain storm. I was borm when things were wild and everything was in dissarray skywise. I feel better when it's like that.

Rain. Fucking rain... Someone up there cares. Or they're joking.

In truth I'm at my fucking wits end. I don't know what to do. I just have worries and worries and worries. A lot of which I'm too ashamed to share. And I don't want to whine again becuase it's so unconstructive but things are getting really really desperate and I don't know what to do. I just want someone else to fix it. I don't have the capacity right now. I'm so lost. But I know I can fix it... I just need. I just need someone who loves me and who wants to look after me for a while.

Things were supposed to go well in Dublin, I was supposed to meet people on my level and on my wavelength and find my niche. I was supposed to get my life together and love what was happening. I was supposed to start enjoying myself and to love and let go and finally get to dance again. Not worry about telling people my problems that are beyond silly problems now. Not feel so lost and so fucking lonely and so... fucking unable to connect to the point where I can't even romantacise it anymore. I can't even sit in my room and listen to cd's and write. Becuase I can't even get by the appathy.

I can't abide my own company. I just sit there and spend time and waste time and smoke a box of cigarettes and sleep and dread waking up. I dread waking up. And I'm too scared to ask for help or to let my mum know b ecuase I don't want her to be upset and disapointed in me again. I feel like someone trying to cope with a drug addiction. I feel like it's constantly just on the edge of being to late and I never pick up and go "let's get our shit together." I'm worried I've given up. And I'm so FUCKING hungry.

I think I want to leave Trinity. And when they ask me why I'll say "becuase none of you are enough to keep me here, I'm better that this and I deserve to be somewhere I want to be." Which leads me to my other problem. There is no where I can think I want to be except in love. And not in Dublin. And not failing. Already. Boys aren't supposed to feel this way at 20. Surely this is supposed to come later. I just want... Is it so wrong to ask to be saved? I'm at a loose end in every possible sense of the phrase.