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Saturday, September 20th, 2008

(4 social workers can't | save me)

Subject:SHUT UP AND LIVE:
Time:3:38 am.
Peter Gresser says:
why worried?
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
that i'm not gonna want to leave.
Peter Gresser says:
heh.
Peter Gresser says:
well, if that's the case, prep for staying. I think you'll actually *have* to go back to Ireland for some period of time, though I don't offhand remember what that period of time is, before you can apply for a resident visa, but it's worth the work, innit?
Peter Gresser says:
(hey, my computer's needing me to restart, 'cause I've just installed new software. If you'll give me a couple minutes, I will be back, OK?)
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
kk
Peter Gresser says:
I am back, hello.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
Sup sup.
Peter Gresser says:
You know, I feel bad. I was actually in New York last week, but didn't get the chance to meet up with anybody but chris.
Peter Gresser says:
(we were here: www.nytvf.com)
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
i've been working solidly anyway.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
it's so weird.
Peter Gresser says:
well that's good, though, innit?
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
It's fine. It's life.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
I've never minded working.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
but the rest of it.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
I had almost a chip on my shoulder about everything the first month.
Peter Gresser says:
how so?
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
and the second was ups and downs.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
Oh, I thught americans were all storyless and shit.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
blah blah blah.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
And it hadn't even crossed my mind that I'm a free agent now.
Peter Gresser says:
LOL
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
I kept saying it's hard to adjust to the culture or the city, or that there wasn't any fun to be had.
Peter Gresser says:
we're not storyless, we just don't share our stories in quite the same way.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
No. But it's not even about that. I actually think it was us going about it wrong.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
In the last two or three weeks I've had some of the best times I've had.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
I don;t mean ever, because my life is fun.
Peter Gresser says:
but still, fun.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
well yeah. what you'd expect from new york.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
what i'd expect from myself
Peter Gresser says:
mm. And so now you're wanting to stay forEVAR
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
It's not really about America, it's just when I get home, I'm free to go anywhere. I can't go back to Dublin, I have no where to be for Christmas.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
I don;t have anything I have to do.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
And I'm starting to realise that as far as starting a new page goes, I've started it here, now.
Peter Gresser says:
maybe time for spain?
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
I have to move out of this sublet at the end of the month.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
And I just want to find my own room in NY and begin renting and keep my job and get to know these stupid people better.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
Hm.
Peter Gresser says:
where do you think you'll go at the end of the month then?
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
What I would love to do is just move out of here and move into my own room in NY,
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
kEEP MY JOB.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
I have friends here, people to call and stuff.
Peter Gresser says:
right, good good.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
But it's weird that I need to make a start and I already made one.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
I met this boy.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
Don't laugh.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
I know that's stupid.
Peter Gresser says:
no no, go on.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
I was sleeping with like three guys this time last week, here and there.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
But I met this guy on Monday or something, and went out with him on Friday.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
No, thursday.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
And I can tell he's just come out the other end of what I'm going into.
Peter Gresser says:
well there you go. If he's a good guy, and you like him and the feeling is mutual, good!
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
It makes a lot of sense, which I dpn;t right now.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
But he made me think of how good it is to be a good person, and to be together, and to enjoy life and to work for things and to be open to people.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
And to apreciate things.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
I guess that's what I'm feeling all over, and putting into action a bit slower than I'm learning the theories (damn college education).
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
I guess I'm worried if I go home now I won;t be able to, like, won;t be ready enough to put it into practise, or forget how or, just not be ready.
Peter Gresser says:
curse education!!
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
Oh I do.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
Most people seem to go to college to get their 'living' out of the way before they have to start the hard part.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
It just fuckedme up the opposite way.
Peter Gresser says:
you're like, "now I'm educated and GOD DAMNIT WHY IS EVERYBODY IN SHORT PANTS GET A GODDAMNED BOOK PEOPLE"
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
This guy, we stole toferky and drank beer in union sq. We ate chips and guacamole and snogged in H and M. We got kicked out of a cab for kising and got the wrong train, saw a band, smoked weed in a garage, got thai food and went to the park, built a bike... blah blah blah.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
d he's awesome.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
t the point it, that's more fun in one day than I've had in months.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
he's just into doing shit, and being himself and getting the best and working hard and all that. Meh. I forget what that's like.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
I felt like I'd grown up, in a good way. Like this is exactly what I should feel like as I turn 24.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
No bullshit.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
Bullshit is bullshit.
Peter Gresser says:
are you only twenty four?
Peter Gresser says:
I pegged you as older, for some reason. That's not a bad thing, btw.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
Almost.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
They guessed my age in work. They guessed 28. And this guy I went on a couple of dates with thought so too.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
They were all like "Oh, it's just the way you carry yourself." I don;t know.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
I know I'm a babby.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
And I'm doing alright for 23 years in the bag.
Peter Gresser says:
indeed!~
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
A lot of little fuck ups are worse than one big one.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
I've fucked up plety. and I don;t want to be the guy who fucks up.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
Like forever.
Peter Gresser says:
Just don't become a male model then.
Peter Gresser says:
or d.
Peter Gresser says:
do.
Peter Gresser says:
you know; whatever works either way.
council estate sex - tchaicovsky is eletro says:
be a model male, not a male model.
Peter Gresser says:
or a model male model.
Peter Gresser says:
a model male roll model role model.
model male says:
I think the thing i'm taking away from this is from the people I've met who seem to really enjoy being themselves.
model male says:
So I think the point is, don't force yourself to enjoy things you do that you don't enjoy, like being a fuck up. Or having no confidence.
model male says:
I enjoy myself a lot more when I'm not a mess, so I should do what I enjoy more, and not be one.
Peter Gresser says:
indeed.
model male says:
Is that really obvious?
model male says:
It's new to me: I never really put together if you don;t want to feel bad about getting to work 20 minutes late (becuase I do), go to bed earlier, be organised.
Peter Gresser says:
well, yes and no. The thing is when you're a mess- and this isn't the specific you, it's very much the general you- it's awfully easy to convince yourself that you are, in fact, having the time of your life, doing the absolute best you've ever done, etc. etc.
Peter Gresser says:
when you're NOT a mess, there's a bit more perspective, because it's not necessarily so forced.
model male says:
If you want to go out and get drunk the night before work, by all means do, but make sure when you roll in 20 minutes late that it was worth it, becuase it was what you wanted to do. Half the time when I'm late, i was just sittingup late.
model male says:
I think it was good to be a mess. I think it college I would much rather ahve been working all hours in restaurants and doing all sorts of stuff. I don;t think i was a mess in college beuxase I was partying a lot, I think I was a mess in college becuase I wasn't supposed to be in college.
model male says:
The conflict was then mess, not the actual stuff that people would consider messy.
Peter Gresser says:
I'm kind of glad I'm not in the college-time anymore.
model male says:
Absolutly.
model male says:
This guy, I was pretty much blown away by him.
model male says:
For totally different reasons he was blown away by me.
Peter Gresser says:
wonderful!
Peter Gresser says:
hey, I need to scoot. Matt just got home from work (speaking of guys one is blown away by)
Peter Gresser says:
chat later?
model male says:
Cool .
model male says:
I'mma bed.
model male says:
ight as well start tomorrow.
Peter Gresser says:
do it!
Peter Gresser says:
later!
model male says:
Oh hey.
model male says:
one sec
Peter Gresser says:
yeeeeeeeez?
model male says:
http://flickr.com/photos/polysonic/1415946668/ that's him- now you can go.
model male says:
x
Peter Gresser says:
oh hey he's handsome!
Peter Gresser says:
alright. Later!
model male says:
oh snap!
model male says:
x

Wednesday, May 7th, 2008

(3 social workers can't | save me)

Subject:summer in the city:
Time:10:52 pm.
It's here. That time of year. I just went out of the computer rooms for a smoke and stumbled on a couple fucking. I love summer.

This leads me to two lines of discussion. Firstly that in my brief two hours at the Pav, every single person I saw was an absolute Buck. In the winter, I don;t think summer makes much difference. Then the week of sun comes along (in Ireland, that's the one week of sun you're guarenteed) and suddenly you begin to believe it's possible to fall in love with a stranger again.

I didn't fall in love last summer. I kinda did the winter before, but on the whole I've been single for - two years. I never wish someone would show up you know? I never wish for someone. TYhat's odd. Becuase years ago that's all I wished. Years ago I'd trade a fuck for a cuddle, or a cuddle for a fling. These days I can't do any of those thing. I kinda liked John, I kinda liked Harry, I really liked Matt, but I kinda wasn't arsed enough to actually go out with them.

Not that I would have gone out with John anyway - no matter how in sugar daddies are these days. So summer comes and I come to realise that my friedns still fill all the vital spaces in my day life- and in my night life, those spaces get filled if needs must, but I'm happy to share my bed with myself these days.

The second this the first paragraph alluded to was these computer rooms. You know I'm nearing the end of my fourth year in these walls of college? You know what I have left? The end of my Disertation, a performance and its log book and one exam. And then seeya Dublin. People assume I'll be back. I don;t know if that's the case... I love it here, but I'm almost ready to be a real life boy in my 20's. Almost ready. Scary? Nah. I look cute with it.

Oh, and last night study time was lost becuase Cormac had to get his apendix out. He's ok... But, yeah, we're all lucky to have friends.

Wednesday, February 27th, 2008

(1 social worker can't | save me)

Subject:does it really have end?
Time:7:59 pm.
I keep listening to sad songs and thinking about the end of college: "Maybe it's time to say goodbye." I'm kind of scared. Kind of oddly quietly upset, kind of threading people into my tapestry like I neve rhave before and kind of wishing I'd paid more attention to this experience while I ahd the chance...

Wednesday, February 13th, 2008

(save me)

Time:4:49 pm.
Since all I do these days is smoke and masturbate I've discovered a new kind of porn. I wish I was kidding. Anyway, either way, these two guys are awesome. I kinda want to be both of them. But it's good to have heroes, right? Have a watch, flick your bean, whatever gets you through:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-fHhtUz84E
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UDwKuL6I6A&feature=related

Monday, February 4th, 2008

(save me)

Time:11:08 am.
Friday I had Mush over and we drank a bottle of high

MushMush
David
Skins
New York

Monday, January 28th, 2008

(save me)

Subject:LegENG:
Time:3:50 pm.
I'm going to try and post a two or three page entry every day, becuase I think not doing so is leaving my life a little unstructured. So Marie and I went to Mr. Jones, the replacment Thursday night club for Backlash this year. Not only do I know exactly why Backlash has gone from Legen to just END, I'm just not that excited about this either. The house music was just not up to par, the place was crawling with 18 year old girls in knee socks and flannel shirted boys from the country - most of whome were humping on the sofas. Everyone was dancing along to Song 2 while we stood aside and snobbishly onserved. They played four good tracks in a row then (Hey Boy, Hey Girl - Darkwave - We Are Your Friends - Over and Over) that got us and the five or so people who WEREN'T previously dancing up for about tenminutes, but anyone can play the hits.

It's probably for the best - I kinda need to be doing more with my Thursdays...

Tuesday, January 15th, 2008

(save me)

Subject:Late: Just getting it out of the way:
Time:2:59 pm.
1)Was 2007 a good year for you?
Yes. I had to put in more work than I ever have, but I feel like I'm coming out with a much greater sense of myself and what I can do if only I put my mind to it.

2) What was your favourite moment of the year?
Back breakers on the roof of Nick's gaff - the first pills of summer. The two threesomes I had in Edinburgh - and tearing down the motorway in a Mazda, listening to Tiesto and gettind stoned. Stepping onto my first New York sidewalk. The basement rave - oh, the basement rave... Finally moving out froim the IFSC. Oh - Electric Picnic - the whole hazy experience. I tripple dropped at Chrmical Brothers - My life.

3) What was your least favourite moment of the year?
The latter half of my New York experience. It was like a gay Pinter play - all that silence. Breaking up with Ruairi was pretty nasty too - and not becuase I wasn't glad of it at the time. Living with Amy, loosing my job, how I left things in Edinburgh with Vicki.

4) Where were you when 2007 began?
In Centra buying smokes with naming. I was supposed to be in cork, but being two libras Ruairi and I couldn't make up our minds, and I was a sick, sniffling mess. I drank whiskey on Niamh's couch and then we headed down to Rogue for twenty minutes.

5) Who were you with?
Niamh.

6) Where will you be when 2007 ends?
No where special. Probably Marie's or in the Bernard Shaw. I'm going to be with Cormac, Marie and her Scotish friends - I presume Louise and Duggie will be in Bray - most of mine have alternate plans, and 12:00 just doesn't seem that late to me anymore.

7) Who will you be with when 2006 ends?
Cormac, Marie, Vicky, Ben, Kit, Sam, Murray.

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2007?
To not be afraid of food, to break the dance scene and to revolutionalise my fashion sense. Yup.

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2007?
Get my degree, get off my tits for three months, make conections in my field, get out of the country, move and live successfuilly in a new city, pecs. To not just fuck anybody.

10) Did you fall in love in 2007?
I was in love as I came into 2007 I guess. And I supposed I met Caleb for the first time adn that was intense, but no - I didn't fall in love in that sense, and I'm not in love in that sense right now.

11) If yes, with whom?
I tell everyone I love them.

12) If yes, do they know?
Meh.

13) Are you still in love with them?
Bored.

14) Do you regret it?
No.

15) Did you break up with anyone in 2007?
Yes. Ruairi; it was stupid anyway - he never came to see me and I'd stepped out of the relationship long before we actually ended it. It ended up quite bitter though for a while and even though we're likely grand, meh, we're not close.
Caleb was complicated - becuase in the space of four days we met, fell in love, got married, and broke up. And then had to live together for six more... I don't know - I think he's got a lot of stuff to work through, and to be quite honest, I don't and I can't really be there for people in that way right now.

16) Did you make any new friends in 2006?
Not as many as I did last year, but this year was the year of knowing people in college. Rebecca, Lucy, Kirsty - those are always about me now. Outside of college I guess I made friends with Anna - the Aussie who was here for a few months. Of course this year was the year of Rob and Mush and I guess Mush is a new friend, kinda. I love that guy - and he leadfs me to Terry, Nick, Dermot... I guess I did branch out after all. Oh - and my new flatmates are becoming friends - in the way that flatmates do. Oh - and Deirdre and I finally got a bit closer - which is good, for me. Oh - and Cris of course. He's my technical partner in stage crime.

17) Who are your favourite new friends?
Rebecca, Kirsty, Mush, Anna.

18) What was your favourite month of 2007?
September: New York, Electric Picnic and the Basement Rave - what else needs to be said - I'm always happy when consuming a truckload of drugs.

19) Did you travel outside of Ireland in 2007?
Yes - To Edinburgh for two months and to New York for ten days. The furthest I've been in a long, long time.

20) How many different places did you travel to in 2007?
Uhm - I also went to Galway for the weekend.

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2007?
No.

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
Yes - I missed Rob now that he's away, and I'm missing Mush now. It's funny, I don't really do 'missing' people.

23) What was your favourite movie that you saw in 2007?
I'm trying to remember what I saw, cause I hardly ever go to the movies. I ought to say Shrooms in order to support the home grown. Oh - I guess I'll have to say 'Strangers With Candy' the movie.

24) What was your favourite song from 2007?
Chart wise I can't think. I'd have to go home and check - but I think my most played was Bouncing off Clouds by Tori Amos.

25) What was your favourite album from 2007?
PJ Harvey's White Chalk - I can say that becuase it was a big cult hit and I don't just sound like I'm listing off some favourite of mine.

26) How many concerts did you see in 2007?
Electric Picnic means a lot of things, but I saw Patrick Wolf and - funny - this ytear I saw all of the Holy Trinity: Bjork, Tori and PJ. And that's all. But then again, what more do you need?

27) Did you have a favourite concert in 2007?
PJ Harvey was the best concert - but I gotta say, I had the time of my life at Bjork. The time of my LIFE.

28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2007?
Yes. Most every day. God bless Buckfast.

29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2007?
Yes. I stayed true to form. Thinking back, I've actually done more pills this year than I feel like I've done. And Ketamine - god bless ketamine... I even had a lump of hash there for a while. I wonder was the GHB this year...

30) How many people did you sleep with in 2007?
A lot - forty or so? I didn't count, but there was a night I went cruising in Scotland that was hands on about 6 so... I'd just say a lot.

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
A little bit what happened in New York. I had a few freak outs but nothing major.

32) What was the biggest lie you told in 2007?
I can't say.

33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2007?
I only really lie to my mother.

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2007?
I went out with people I didn't really want to date - and kinda strung them along from someone else's perspective, but not really, no.

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2007?
Yes - Vicky and Amy. But that's where it ends. Amy is still scum, and Vicky and I made out peace.

36) How much money did you spend in 2007?
That's between me and the bank.

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2007?
Oh, god. Probably having to leave Hazle's house - it's this six floor mansion, and I passed out and spilled beer... Whatever. And coming home with a bruised arse in New York, that wsan't good.

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2006 and change it, what would it be?
I'd have gotton a job sooner in Scotland.

40) What are your plans for 2007?
Finnish up in college, get off my tits for three months and settle in a new city, all the while being creative, active and cooking.

41)What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Went to New York. Finally, moved in with a friend.

42)Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.

43)What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Travel, creative success, comfort and steadyness.

44)What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
September 28th - the date everything rushed towards as I was leaving New York.

45)What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not failing college.

46)What was your biggest failure?
Still not being as confident as I wanted to be.

47)What was the best thing you bought?
My china birds.

48)Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Cormac - he's back to his usual self.

49)Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Andrea, again - he's STILL being a fuckwit - which is why it's SO appaling. And Ru, he actually treated me like shite. And, unfortunatly, Sophie - her tumbling home drunk and stuff - it's a symptom of how sad she was, but it was a lot to deal with.

50)What did you get really, really, really excited about?
All the big things I already mentioned.

51)Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner.
iii. richer or poorer? Poorer.

52)What do you wish you'd done more of?
What I really wanted.

53)What do you wish you'd done less of?
Being a pussy.

54)How will you be spending Christmas?
At my ex's with a big bottle of whiskey.

55)How many one-night stands?
Too many to count.

56)What was your favourite TV program?
That RTE special on Cocaine. And Strangers with Candy. And the ANTM's with the twins and Natasha.

57)Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No.

58)What was the best book you read?
A Short History of Myth.

59)What was your greatest musical discovery?
Teenager. Regina Spektor.

60)What did you want and get?
A pass in college. To move in with a friend.

61)What did you want and not get?
To go traveling with my mates.

62)What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I had everyone over to mine for dinner and drinks. Nothing mad. It was nice. I was a bit down in October.

63)What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
...

64)How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Colour and lines.

65)What kept you sane?
Not much.

66)Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?


67)What political issue stirred you the most?


68)Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.


69)Quote a song lyric.
"Make this easy, easy, it's not as heavy as it seems." Tori Amos - Bouncing off Clouds

Thursday, December 27th, 2007

(1 social worker can't | save me)

Time:7:33 pm.
When did someone already form the band I was supposed to form with namingofparts?


Friday, November 23rd, 2007

(1 social worker can't | save me)

Time:3:08 pm.
Look, I know no one cares, but I'm still on a weird Tori kick unlike I have been in ages. Oh god... I'm a fucking faggot. I hate being a fucking faggot.

Anyway. I also like drugs, and I rmembered that Tori was the only woman on the cover of:


I need to get some acid.

Thursday, November 8th, 2007

(save me)

Time:5:28 pm.
I go for sweet well proportioned boys who go for big fuck off tank-men with beards who'll fuck them to within an inch of their life.

Wednesday, November 7th, 2007

(save me)

Time:11:52 am.
Now, I kinda like this. It's media of Tori Amos' performnce of of her a capella rape song 'Me and a Gun.' Ecept the song is done with the band, and a knife (which her actual attack was done with - there's discussion over it ad infinitum) and a gun, which she ultimatly pointed at the audience.

Now everyone's in a flurry about the whole thing, is it tacky, is it excellent. I think adopting the song as aprt of a performance art piece is pretty ballsy, and becuase you know she's got a history with those items, it becomes a pretty intense and political kind of intertextuality. However, I can see how anyone present who might have really used her music, particularly that song, as part of their healing as a sexual assult survivor might be utterly triggered by it. But still... I guerss that's powerful performance for you. Meh. What do you reckon?






Tuesday, November 6th, 2007

(1 social worker can't | save me)

Time:3:17 pm.
I am sick.

I feel lonely. I hate Dublin. I will not get any kind of work experience here. I have misused the last three years. I am disapointed in my friends. I am unsatisfied. I want to start telling people to get fucked for no reason.

Friday, November 2nd, 2007

(save me)

Subject:cherry/cherry/cherry:
Time:12:49 pm.
The best series of songs just came on my andyPod:

Garbage - Push It
Lemon Jelly - Ramblin Man (I love that they mention Belfast)
Branvan 3000 - Cum On Feel The Noize
Cat Power - Names
Tori Amos - Father's Son
Death in Vegas - Ein Fur Die Damen

It makes me feel so cool...

Thursday, November 1st, 2007

(save me)

Subject:Even an ugly man:
Time:6:50 pm.
My ideal boyfriend:

1) Mime along to Foolish Games, pretending to be a black Celine Dion.
2) Be around tonight.

Actually, I think that's it.

Friday, October 26th, 2007

(save me)

Subject:The start of my divised piece:
Time:3:36 pm.
Evoking terror onstage, a transmutive experience.
What is modern terror?
Not being recognised. We are already mediated, we mediate ourselves through online self invention. Myspace etc.

How to really show the terror of not being recognised?
What is the extreme of not being recognised?
Being entirely forgotten. By everyone, ever. Your entire existence is wiped out.

Everyone’s ultimate fate is to be forgotten. When all is over, nothing remains, our impact, our memory will not be refuted, simply because no one will even know there is a memory to be confirmed or refuted.

Who will be the last living person to remember you?
When is the exact moment when your memory dies? (This in itself is self-mythology).

To illustrate this, using the self as a text: kanew, andyapples etc.
A gradual depletion of the self.

How to create the sense of being forgotten. How to perform the gradual process of being forgotten. How to strip ones self of relevance – as I do in a flight. It does not matter if you die, as we will all die and all who love us will die.

Breathing - Silence.
Movement - Stillness.
Skin contact - Invisibility.

Stripping away, clothing, self image, then skin/body, then being, then memory/relic of self. What do we identify as and in what order?

Andy – thinker – hopeful – actor – artist– homosexual – child - male – human – mammal – animal – earthling – organism – body – organs – cells – atoms – energy – everything – nothing…

(save me)

Subject:hardon:
Time:6:21 am.
How wrong is it that this turns me on:



Very wrong indeed.

Wednesday, October 24th, 2007

(save me)

Subject:mr lonely laments his lonliness:
Time:10:26 pm.

the gurrlz
Originally uploaded by andyapples
Ha- so, these are my boys (Mushie and Rob)... Who fucked off on me to London on their way to Thailand a matter of hours ago. They're moving straight from the sun to the Lon(don) after that... And I'm trying to figure out who's gonna be my next social project.

The hot 36 year old with a salon and a coke habbit? Sounds like a plan to me.

(save me)

Subject:Forgive me...
Time:7:46 am.
So I downloaded a bit of Regina Spektor a while ago thinking I'd hate it. There were a few good songs, comparitive hits. I didn't really get it though... But this song came on my iPod the other day and I think it's one of the most powerful things I've heard in any of her songs. I just see this teacher, loosing it, trying not to get upset in front of kids. I mean, when you hear it, it's different, she does great vocal characters. But, like... It's the idea of trying to teach kids something like this - how would you ever go about it... And that no kind of learning can prepare you for hurting someone you love so badly... And asking for forgivness... And maybe I get to thinking about being in an impossible, unfixable situation I found myself in recently. I can't figure out if the first part is sung to another person or to herself - but the change in place and space is so sudden, the second stime she sings "Let's go to the movies," it sounds as though she's trying to fix or change or ignore a situation, and that it just won't work, then, suddenly, you're in a class room, not in this distant memory of being happy with someone in the beginning and... Anyway... Clever, wry, simple, vulnerable... It's just a great song

Loveology:

Oh, an incurable humanist you are
Oh, an incurable humanist you are...

Let's go to the movies, I will hum you a song about nothing at all
Let's go to the movies, I will hum you a song about nothing at all,
Let's go to the movies, let's go...
Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all.

Oh, an incurable humanist you are
Oh, an incurable humanist you are...

Let's go to the movies, I will hum you a song about nothing at all
Let's go to the movies, I will hum you a song about nothing at all,
Let's go to the movies, let's go...
Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all.

Sit down class, open up your textbooks to page 42:

Porcupine-ology, antler-ology, car-ology, bus-ology, train-ology, plane-ology, mama-ology, papa-ology,you-ology, me-ology, love-ology, kiss-ology, stay-ology, please-ology...

Let's study class, let's study class. Sit down.

Love-ology, love-ology, I'm sorry-ology, forgive me-ology, love-ology, love-ology, I'm sorry-ology, forgive me-ology, love-ology, Love-ology...

Let's study class, let's study class.

Love-ology. Let's study class, sit down.

Love-ology, love-ology, I'm sorry-ology, forgive me-ology
Love-ology, love-ology. I'm sorry-ology, forgive me-ology,
Love-ology, Love-ology. Love-ology, Love-ology, Love-ology, Love-ology...

Oh, an incurable humanist you are (x3)
Oh, forgive me, Oh, forgive me, Oh.
Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me-ology,
Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me-ology,
Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me-ology,
Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me-ology...

(2 social workers can't | save me)

Subject:QUEER:
Time:4:15 am.
Look, I can't be arsed working out how to do a cut, but I got sucked into this debate on gay culture and if it exists. Some of this won't make sense out of context, but let me know if you (NIAMH) think it makes any sense:


The lack of lesbian or bisexual involvement, or even that of (what I would, for easiness sake) 'queered' individuals - such as Kari for example, really does shake down the argument. It's why I brough up the term queer as an umbrella term to begin with. Like I say, I count people from across the spectrum among my closest friends and certianly where we're all concerned, sexuality seems to be low on the list of priority. However, the fact that these straight men and women have found many of their good friends under the 'queer umbrella' points to, for me, this certain openess and progressive way of thinking that is - if I were going to say queer culture exists - the bones of what a queer cultureal group is about. I can't really talk just for gay men, becuase the gay men that I am close to really spread across the spectrum. I have very few good friends existing deep in the ghetto, but most of the gay guys I know do know a lot of gay guys.

I might have to qualify here though, in MY experience in Ireland, that we only have two gay clubs in this city. Going there is not like going to a pick up bar, rather than going to a local. Having seen a three floor club in New York where we were the ONLY non-Asian people, and being accompanied by the only non-homosexual people, I have to assume that where the gay populace is higher, even more specific splinter groups arise. And I guess that I am part of a less clearly defined splinter group, that being a group of people who strive for openess in all aspects of our lives. When it comes down to it, we're really pretty hippy about it.

On the spectrum of how my sexuality defines me, it comes very low in my case. Most people I know don;t care that I'm gay. I will sit with my straight male and female friends and sex will be discussed openly with no importence put on the gender of who you're screwing. And very often it's the relationship to that person that will be most important. In my life, sex plays a big part socially, but I don't relaly consider that part of my life to be particularly 'gay,' even if I make use of a gay arena to do that, when I choose to do it. For a lot of people. having a lot of sex may make you view them differently, but then again, I think that really come from your own way of presenting this. On here for example, I'll often bring it up to throw a fox among the chickens, becuase I do think a lot of the guys on here choose to rile against stereotypical ideas in order to define themselves against them. I don't really feel the need to do that becuase I don't define myself within or outside of 'gay culture,' I really don't think about what 'being gay' has done to make my life all that different becuase I can't actually conceive of not being gay. It's something that's obviously deeply ingrained, but by that same token, something that really doesn't mean a lot to me.

So far as what I was saying about gay men and overemotionality... I retract that somewhat. Though there is no doubt that, coming back to the fact that stereotypes exist fora reason, this has become the iconography of 'gay.' Take Jack from Will and Grace for example. I riled against that show for years and refused to give it the time of day becuase I felt it was feeding the stereotype rather than doing anything constructive to introduce a more (dare I say it) normalised idea of gay into the media. Now i understand that what it did, particularly for America, was make these exteremes acceptable in the mainstream, and that these can now be played off and deconstructed with character types and stereotypes already available to those who may not have previously been exposed to them. Pretty dim of me to miss with a Media A level behind me, but I did.

Though when it comes to Queer as Folk, those characters are lacking in monogamy the way any characters in an entertainment show are going to be. No one is going to tune in to watch 5 monogomous couples do fuck all for an hour - and the strange thing is though- comapring the US version to the UK version brings up more issues, becuase US tv is, by its nature, more sensationalised than gritty and realistic. I mean, if you compare, say Sexa dn the City to a show like No Angels, which is the only real comparision I can think of, you're getting a very different deal.

Finally, I think ebby makes a good point comparing our progression to that of the 60's. If anyone's ever seen Dirk Bogarde in 'Victim,' a late 60's Brit flick about a man on trila for his sexuality, and a barrister hiding his own, you can simply see the change. What we now watch instead is about brutality, rather than repression. Boys Don't Cry, Mysterious Skin, The Laramie Project even Hedwig focus, at one point or another, violence, an outward attack, rather than a need to crack the silence on an issue. Gay man may, possibly, be living out a stunted adolecence. At the same time though, I was experimenting with friends as early as the age of 6 and that was pretty constant throughout my life, so though I wasn't going to bars and scoring people openly, I was certainly getting my kicks. I don't think, say a nerdy kid who didn't get to play dares or kiss girls in school, is suddenly particulay going to burst out and become a sex fiend in their 20's. However, put them in a highly sexualised environment, as most gay guys are thown into when the come out, it being the only option, and the mixture of not being able to be sexually free, and having it readilly available may create that sort of explosive reaction. Then again, we are talking about a slutty stereotype - and I don't really think that is so prevelent - 40somethings who are sill fucking around are more lilely to be suffering from social repurcussions of coming up entirely repressed, rather than, as I feel I was, part of the first generation where one could, from a fairly early age, express tjemselves - even if it did mean taking a certain amount of flack.

Where we are now with the gay rights movment is in a place where people are less and less identifying with the pride flag, with the parade, with the campy characters. They find it quite disgusting to be lumped in. But what we must bare in mind is that before now that was the only OPTION available if one wanted to live the most full gay life one could. With the slow introduction of things like civil partnerships, this is no longer the only option. And so far as gay culture is concerned, the more diverse options that open up to gay people as a group, the less easilly they can be defined by stereotypes. The thing is, we must use stereotypes, like Jack, say, as a starting point, and only then can we create others- no different than brining a new character into a soap opera - the 'bad' familly start as comic relief, or whatever, but over years the audience will warm to the heart of them, and any social group will do the same. Girls no longer say to me, at parties "Oh, gay men are fabulous! We should goshopping!" But there was a time when they did, and I used those moments to show that maybe that's not all I was about (or, actually, what I was about at all).

Gay 'culture' as it is being discussed, is a part of a movement that is slowly allowing integration. We don't need rainbow flags and drag queens. But those things have helped us cast off the moral bindings that were for so long wrapped tightly around society, that made the kind of 'love' we as a group indulge in, illegal. I think the main reason we're all coming at different points into this discussion is becuase gay culture is being deconstructed, and weather you identify as gay before Irish/American, weather you're really put off by flamboyence, we have to accpet that this is what got us here, and all we can do now is create more and more smaller off shoots from this or against it, until being 'gay' itself is no longer the defining feature of a person, the way it once was. We are very much in a revolution as far as that's concerned and we have to be aware of where we've come from, and the value of it, as we grow or progress further from it.

I never joined an LGB group. I never felt I could identify with people who came together soley for that purpose, but I understand the need for them and I also feel a kind of nostalgiac pride about the things that are now becoming gay relics to the kids coming up on 2007.

Thursday, October 18th, 2007

(save me)

Subject:Happy Birthday:
Time:5:33 pm.
I have not left the house today. I left early last night. I've spent my birthday money already. I had a terrible time. I never get to go on stage and get 23 kisses. Now I have to go buy food for my party. By myself. All I want is moisturiser, an exfoliator, an easier way to delete duplicated songs from my iTunes, enough money to get my ear pierced, a battery that works for my new phone and something to trim my beard with. But I have to go spend more of my weekly budget on food for a part that I'm throwing myself, in my house, and supposed to be cooking for. Fuck that shit.

And big headphones would be nice too.

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